20 Signs You’re Old Before Your Time



What did you do last night? Were you at a secret warehouse party, dancing with a bunch of strangers and drinking shots of tequila? Were you making your way to a underground speak-easy, in which the password was nearly as complicated as a physics equation? Or were you maybe tucked up in bed, binge-watching Game of Thrones and planning your food shopping for the week?

There are young souls and then there are old souls. If you’re not sure about where your fall on the spectrum, ask yourself this: Would you rather spend your Saturday on a spontaneous midnight cruise with a group of exotic strangers or would you prefer to be devouring an entire pizza and falling asleep to Broad City? Don’t lie to yourself.

You Have A Crafting Corner In Your Apartment

What started off as a weekend knitting hobby has now grown into a fully fledged crafting obsession. Your friends and family have begrudgingly come to accept that Christmas gifts are always handmade.

You Live Vicariously Through Reality TV

You talk about the Kardashians as if you know them. You watch The Hills on repeat because you have all six seasons on DVD. You know that, if you were a member of the cast, you would have never chosen Jason over Paris.

If You Do Go Out, The Music Is Always Too Loud

A night out is a rare occurrence and when it does happen, things never seem as good as they once did. The music’s not as good any more, the club is too crowded and some inconsiderate jerk just spilled vodka on your clean shoes. It’s a nightmare.

You’re Designated Driver By Default

Your friends don’t even ask if you can give them a lift home after a night out, it’s just a given now. Your only rule is that they don’t vomit in the car. Stains are a nightmare to get out of upholstery.

You Stock 7 Different Types of Tea

Once upon a time, black coffee was the only caffeinated beverage that you indulged in but now, you’re a little more educated. If you’re not drinking Macha tea, you are probably sipping on a Chai Mate or Jasmine Oolong.

Baking Is How You Get High

Sundays are there for baking and nothing else. You graduated past cupcakes and cookies months ago and can now be found whipping up a last minute doughnut recipe or rearing your own yeast. Baking is close to godliness in your eyes.

You Understand When To Stop Drinking Caffeine

Anyone who drinks tea or coffee past 6 pm is dancing with the devil, in your opinion. As soon as the clock strikes 5.30, you know to switch to decaf, or face a sleepless night.

Food Porn Is The Only Type Of X Rating You’re Interested In

Your Instagram feed is made up of pictures of cats and food. You spend your evening scrolling through the feeds of food bloggers and cursing yourself for that off-centre coffee picture that you posted on your page. What an amateur.

Netflix Is Your Significant Other

When you tell your friends you’re busy in the evenings, they know it’s because you have eyes for one thing and one thing only. You can’t remember when you first met Netflix or what was said but one thing’s for certain, it was love at first sight.

You Just Booked A City Break

Holidays used to mean all night partying and bronzing yourself to a crisp in limited swimwear. Now, you find yourself salivating at the thought of discovering a new historical capital and researching its culture on the months and weeks prior to departure.

You Have More Pairs of Slippers Than You Do Shoes

Footwear used to be something to enhance your height, outfit or body shape. After years of twisting your feet into the most unnatural of positions, you have now given in to the comfort of the slipper. You have a soft shoe for every occasion and couldn’t imagine giving them up.

Planning Past 9.00pm Is Madness To You

You will attend an event that starts at 7.30 pm at the very latest. Evenings which begin any later in the night will only put space between you and your bed. That is not okay.

You Can Now Understand Your Parents’ Perspective

You find yourself looking back at your childhood and agreeing with your parents’ point of view. You talk to your parents about finances and share a wry joke over politics. You become your father.

You Have A List of Foods You Avoid

Eating what you want, when you want is a thing of the past; your body is a delicate machine. You eat dairy on the weekends and avoid gluten past 4pm. There will be hell to pay if you stray from your diet.

You Understand Your Finances

Mortgages are child’s play for you; you know where to get the best deal on a bank account and who to avoid if you need a loan. Comparing banks is actually fun for you and you love knowing you’re paying less than everyone else.

You Keep A Fountain Pen In Your Jacket Pocket “Just in Case”

There’s always a moment for a fountain pen and you just can’t understand why no-one else is as prepared for you. You carry your pen in your inner pocket and it has not once stained your shirt.

You Always Carry An Umbrella With You

You never know what’s going to happen with the weather these days and your motto is “better safe than sorry“. You can’t help but feel smug when the heavens open and you’re the only person with a dry head of hair.

You Watch A Lot Of Two Part Dramas

Political intrigue, court cases, murder mysteries, it doesn’t matter; if there’s a two part drama out there making the rounds, you have probably already heard about it. You’re always in to watch the TV, too; no recording for you.

The International News Is Your Gossip Column

Checking up on the latest mistake a politician has made is the highlight of your day. You talk about political leaders as if they were contestants on a reality show and love tuning in to a live debate.

Your Text Messages Are Grammatically Correct

Text abbreviations mean nothing to you. Emoji conversations are incomprehensible. Texting, to you, is like writing a letter and if you haven’t dotted your I’s and crossed your T’s, something’s not right.