20 Hilarious Quotes That Will Crack You Up

There’s nothing like quick wit, jokes and humor. Whether it’s coming from a good comedian or your best friend, when the words hit the right spot, at the right time, they can leave you in stitches. Some of these quotes are from some of the world’s greatest comedians and literary giants and others are from everyday people or anonymous individuals, but they all have one thing in common: they’re sure to make you laugh. So take a break from your busy day, sit back and enjoy these 20 hilarious quotes that will crack you up!

Sounds Tragic

“When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did–in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car” -Bob Monkhouse

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Deadlines

“I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.” -Douglas Adams

Finding Inner Peace

“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.” – Dave Barry

Staying Safe

“I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.” – Elaine Boosler

Plagerism

“If you steal from one author, it’s plagiarism; if you steal from many, it’s research” – Wilson Mizner

Men’s Emotions

“Men have only two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.” – Anonymous

Money

“Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.” – Oscar Wilde

Dogs Vs. Cats

“What’s the difference between cats and dogs? Dogs have masters. Cats have staff.” – Anonymous

Praying

“I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.” – Emo Philips

Scientific Theory

“The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.” – Mark Russell

Whether You Matter

“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Flip Wilson

Knowledge Vs. Wisdom

“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.” – Miles Kington

Friendship

“Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.” – Robert Bloch

Starting A Fire

“How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?” – Anonymous

The Mystery Of Life

“The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.” – Al McGuire

Doctor’s Good News

“First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.” – Steve Martin

No Offense

“Why do people say “no offense” right before they’re about to offend you?” – Anonymous

Being A Christian

“Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.” – Billy Sunday

The “F” Word

“How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell “BINGO!”” – Anonymous

Words to Live By

“Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.” – Dave Barry