20 Jokes That Will Crack You Up!
With all the seriousness in the world today, who doesn’t appreciate a good laugh? Laughing is one of the great pleasures of life and a good joke always leads to a good laugh! Whether it’s a “knock knock” joke from when you were a kid, the ones about little Johnny, or the dirty ones you learned sometime when you were in middle school or high school, when they’re funny, they’re funny! Below are 20 of the funniest jokes that are sure to make you crack up!
Little Johnny & Mrs. Smith
Teacher Smith: Johnny, if you had $5.00 and you asked your father for $3.00 more, how many dollars would you have?
Little Johnny: I would have five dollars…
Teacher Smith: You don’t know your arithmetic, Johnny…
Little Johnny: You don’t know my father, Mrs. Smith.
Teacher: Anyone who thinks he’s stupid may stand up!
*Nobody stands up*
Teacher: I’m sure there are some stupid students in here!
*Little Johnny stands up*
Teacher: Ohh, Johnny, you think you’re stupid?
Little Johnny: No… I just feel bad that you’re standing alone.
A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog. He asks the shopkeeper, “Does your dog bite?”
The shopkeeper says, “No, my dog does not bite.”
The man tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him. “Ouch!” He says, “I thought you said your dog does not bite!”
The shopkeeper replies, “That is not my dog!”
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
Don’t Let Her Win!
Boy: *calls 911* Hello? I need your help!
911: Alright, What is it?
Boy: Two girls are fighting over me!
911: So what’s your emergency?
Boy: The ugly one is winning.
The Elephant And The Man
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
“How do you breathe through something so small?”
The Principal’s Daughter
Boy: The principal is so dumb!
Girl: Do you know who I am?
Girl: I am the principal’s daughter!
Boy: Do you know who I am?
Boy: Good! *walks away*
A Mom And Her Baby
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ‘Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!’ The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ‘The driver just insulted me!’ The man says: ‘You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.’
A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, “Children, I’d like you to close your eyes and taste these.” The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped. “I’ll give you a hint,” said the teacher. “It’s something your mommy probably calls your daddy all the time.” Instantly, Little Johnny coughed his onto the floor and shouted, “Quick! Spit’em out! They’re assholes!”
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
‘Careful,’ he said, ‘CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!’
The wife stared at him. ‘What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?’
The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”
There was a papa mole, a momma mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse. Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, “Mmmm, I smell sausage!” Momma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, “Mmmm, I smell pancakes!” Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn’t because of the two bigger moles. Baby mole said, “The only thing I smell is molasses.”
I’m Getting a Baby Brother
A little boy was so exited because his mom told him he is getting a baby brother. He repeated that to his teacher every day when he came to school, “I’m getting a brother.”
One day his mom allowed him to feel the baby’s kicks in her belly.
The next day he came to school and didn’t say anything to his teacher so the teacher asked him what happened to his brother.
He replied, “I think mommy ate him.”
For One Month…
While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, “No honey for you for one month!” Later that afternoon, Johnny’s dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. “That’s it! No butter for you for one month!” says his dad. Later that evening as Johnny’s mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her. Little Johnny looks at his father and says, “Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?”
A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to the President. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill, as this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord. It said: Dear Lord, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and as usual, those jerks took $95 of it.
I Know Your Secret
Two boys were talking and the one said to the other, “There is an easy way to get what you want.”
The other boy said, “How?” The boy replied, “Tell people you know their secret.”
The boy jumps up and runs to his dad, “I know your secret!” The dad replies, “Please don’t tell your mom, Here’s $10.”
The boy then runs to his mom, “I know your secret!” The mom said, “Please don’t tell your dad, Here’s $15.”
The boy then decides to try it on the mail man, “I know your secret!” The mail man opened his arms and said, “Come, give your dad a hug!”
Living in a household with eight indoor cats requires buying large amounts of kitty litter, which I usually get in 25-pound bags — 100 pounds at a time. When I was going to be out of town for a week, I decided to go to the supermarket to stock up. As my husband and I both pushed shopping carts, each loaded with five large bags of litter, a man looked at our purchases and queried, “Bengal or Siberian?”
Orange you glad I didn’t say “banana” again?
I’m Gonna Be Rich
When Bob found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. “I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said as he walked up to her, “but in just a week or two my father will die, and I’ll inherit 20 million dollars.”
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening. Three days later, she became his stepmother.
A Stockbroker walks into the dentist and asks for a quote for getting a tooth pulled out.
‘Well,’ said the dentist, ‘That depends on the level of service. If you want to go private we can give you the very best and latest in dental treatment. We get an anesthetist in from the local hospital, and I get two very skilled, and pretty, dental nurses to help out. Guaranteed no pain, no blood.’
‘Sounds good,’ said the man, ‘how much?’
‘$200 per tooth.’
‘Well,’ said the dentist, ‘We can give you standard treatment. I do the anesthetic myself – no nurses. You get a little bit of pain and a little bit of blood, but it’ll only cost you $20.’
‘No, that’s still too dear. Can you not do it a bit cheaper?’
‘Tell you what,’ said the dentist, getting angry, ‘I could get a pair of pliers from B&Q and do a homer for you. No anesthetic. Guaranteed very painful – lots of blood. Your mouth will hurt for three months and you’ll struggle to talk for at least two. I’d do it for $5 and take pleasure in it.’
‘OK, you got yourself a deal… book my wife in for next Tuesday.’
Little old lady?
Little old lady who?
Wow! I didn’t know you could yodel!